You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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