so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
