smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
