Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
