i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
