Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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