I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
