Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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