i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
