Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
