god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
