I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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