Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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