dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
