you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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