My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
