I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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