Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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