i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
