im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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