I'm going to jail i love you
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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