Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
you made out with another girl for some wings
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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