he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
