great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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