I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
