so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
