This is not my ceiling
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
