You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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