he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
