A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
