I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
