We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
