judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
