After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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