At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
