I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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