you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
