If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
