just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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