so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
