Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
