"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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