The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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