honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
