Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
