I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
