when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
