Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
