Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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