Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
