Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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